It has been a very long time since I've posted. I guess I took the whole "rest" thing a little too far!! But seriously...the last few times I was here...I was talking about Cody's birthday and my kiddos..and now, I am here on Cory's birthday...and so much is going on with life and my kiddos.
Like I said, today is Cory's 22nd birthday. WOW! Time flies. This is the 12th time I have "celebrated" his birthday without him here. Sometimes the pain is too much to bear. The sheer weight of it all creeps up on me and literally steals my breath away. I cry so hard that I stop breathing for just a moment, thinking that if I could stop forever...the pain would be gone. But all I would leave here....I feel torn. Torn between the life I had before and the life that I have now. Mourning the life from before...and rejoicing in it at the same time...... Rejoicing in the life I have now....and mourning the loss of the two never crossing paths...not here anyway. So, for therapy today, I chose to paint.
I went to the store with my sister and the kids this morning and we picked up paint. I had an entire project in mind. Unfortunately, the store didn't cooperate because they didn't have everything needed for my project. Just paint. So, the kiddos went to a friend's house to play and I came home to my thoughts, my paint brushes...and my target...the laundry room. Why? you may ask does a laundry room need to be painted???? Well, because this is me and almost all the other rooms have already been done!! As I brushed the paint on the wall...I noticed how new everything looked. The walls....looked refreshed! Even though everything remained the same, the paint made everything look different.....newer.....better. I sometimes get in the decorating/cleaning mode when I am depressed. It seems that when I feel like my life is out of control...I need to have something I can control!! Clutter....I can control! Color...I can control!!! But, such a simple act as running a brush with fresh paint on it over an old, dull...dare I say, even dirty wall....can do such good for the spirit! It made me think of my life...well, that is all I was doing anyway!! But my life, our lives, are all ever changing...ever evolving! God is giving us fresh new colors daily! Maybe it isn't as easy to see as paint on a wall...but it is there. Glimpses...sometimes beautiful pictures of HIM being in control. Beautiful sunsets....the change of seasons....children sleeping....friends laughter....prayers whispered....all beautiful reminders that He is in control.
Although in no way do I ever think I will like or even feel like I have control over my entire life...before now...and from here on....I trust Him being in control. I know that I don't "get it" and that I may never "get it".....but I trust that in His ultimate story...my part is being played out just the way He needs it to be in order for His GLORIOUS painting to shine..... to make everything truly new.....truly beautiful.... and for that...I am thankful.
I will try to post more often. It helps me sort through my feelings. I love sharing and opening myself up.....being real.
About Me
- cheli
- I am a wife, a mother, a daughter, a sister, a friend, a confidant, a neighbor, a giver, a story teller, and a motivator. I feel like I have several titles and many books and chapters in my life. I have lived already through some of them. Others, I feel are blank pages, waiting to be filled. I have lived a lot of life so far.....more than many. Yet, I feel like there is still something God has left for me to do, here on this earth. I am just not sure what it is. Until I know, I am just passing through each chapter. Trying to fulfill my purpose. Learning that the story is not about me. Remembering that He is the author of my life, not me. Surrendering to being a tiny part of His play book, instead of the star!!
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