Time flies........

It seems like I have posted on all the boys birthdays. I am a week past Caleb's. He would have been 20 this last week. So, now I am the mom of three 20+ kiddos! Wow...doesn't seem possible.

Tonight I have been preparing for my first homecoming. I am making mums for myself and the 2 grandmothers. This is very surreal. Homecoming, football, mums......reminds me of the old days! Bryce is only nine!! We changed his room this past weekend. Now his room looks more grown up...more teenish! I painted (imagine that) and he picked the color. He is very into these changes and seems to be transforming in front of my eyes! We went through all the pictures and "stuff" he wanted to keep in his room and the things he wanted to not use any more. He wanted to keep the pictures of his brothers in his room. I have these caricatures of each boy that was done at Sea World. They look a lot like them but are not actual snapshots. Bryce has wanted these in his room for quite some time now. I had prepared myself to take them out...thinking he would be wanting the room to be more "his"...and was really surprised that he wanted to keep them. He does though. He likes them there...

Breanna has been crying a lot lately and saying she misses her brothers. This is different from Bryce and makes me fear that I will have to have the talk with her much sooner than I did Bryce. She is so tender hearted...and seems fragile. I know that God has the day ordained for her to find out the same as he did for Bryce. I cannot worry about this. He has taken care of this for me and I must trust Him. It is getting more and more difficult to comfort her and I just dread the thought of shredding her innocence by allowing her to know the truth.

I have resolved to begin my story. Not so much my story, but tidbits of my life and the way they play out in the "Greater Picture". I am excited yet scared. I pray for the ability to write and share in a way that anyone reading will feel hopeful in their own situation and loved by a God who has the beginning and end of their story already written. It seems like such a daunting task...but for the first time I am truly looking forward to this challenge and ready to try!

I have been up and down emotionally lately. I truly have been missing the boys. Catching up with old high school friends who knew me when I was pregnant with them has brought back many memories. Seeing others who are the same age as them has brought even more realization that I can't even fathom to know where they would be, what they would be like or who they would be with. It is very difficult. I am at peace knowing where they are now....what they are doing and who they are with now. There is joy in that knowledge and the knowledge that I will join them some day. It makes me long for that day to come soon. I believe the Lord gave me Bryce and Breanna to keep me here a little longer. The wanting to be with my children keeps me feeling divided. Knowing God has plans for me here...keeps me wanting to strive to find the exact spot He would have me and to fit into it and stay there until He calls me home.

I am tired and should go to bed. I look forward to tomorrow. Homecoming. for a nine year old?!!