Peace

This is a picture of my husband, Bryan. Last October we took a cruise to the Western Carribean. This was in Cabos San Lucas. We were able to find this beach where there were no other people and just relax. That was the whole point of this.......to relax. We decided we wouldn't worry about schedules or agendas or anybody else. Just enjoy the glorious majesty of God's handiwork. And that is exactly what we did! As he played in the waves I sat back and watched him. I snapped this photo, along with a few others, without his knowledge. I could see how much he was enjoying himself and just relaxing. Afterwards, I just laid in the sand and enjoyed the warmth of the sun. Then I had a thought. As I picked up a handful of sand, I thought of my Lord. I thought of how he knows each grain of sand and that if he knows that......how gloriously he must know me! Then I felt totally relaxed. Kind of like all of the stress was taken from me. Somehow being in that kind of "nature" reminded me just how much he loved me and just how "grande" He truly is. I knew that He wanted to take away my stress, my burdens and my sins..... And that is why He sent His son....for me. To show me that He does understand....He does care.....and He wants me to know and remember all of that.

Why do I tell you this now......months later???? Because in the midst of the busyness of the summer, I need to relax. I need to be reminded of just how minuscule my problems really are and how big He really is. And what better way to remind me than to have my wonderful eight year old son to stop me mid "Get your stuff and brush your teeth, we are going to be late for church!" rant to ask me to pray with him and to help him ask Jesus to live in his heart. It was the most beautiful thing. Not that anyone looking would see beauty, because I was just out of the shower and in my towel and wet hair....but to God. Bryce asked me to stop my busyness and take time for him/Him. And I did. THAT is what was beautiful. So we prayed and then Bryan prayed with him and now Bryce is going to be baptized this Sunday! Praise God! What a comfort to know that my 3 children will greet me when I get to heaven, and then my son will meet me there!

Then, throughout the last few days I have had the opportunity to share with Bryce so much! Just yesterday we talked about Jesus being here on this earth as our example....to show us that we can make good choices. He said, "But Jesus had God!" I was able to share with him that he did too! And that he could talk to Him and ask Him for guidance and strength and absolutely anything he ever needed! He immediately went to get his bible and started asking more questions. It was awesome! Now, that doesn't mean that he has turned into an absolutely wonderful angel overnight (I think he already is one!) but that he is starting to search and yearn for that closeness and when I tell him how God would want us to handle a situation.....he seems to have a better understanding of it.

"22. I will surely bless you and make your descendants as numerous as the stars in the sky and as the sand on the seashore." Genesis 22:17

I truly feel blessed to know I am a descendant of Abraham. And....that my sweet children will have many more generations of descendants that will continue to be blessed..and bless others. The thought of this relaxes me. It puts me at ease. For just like in Bryce's memory verse for the week....."Now you are the body of Christ, and each one of you is a part of it."
1 corinthians 12:27
Knowing that I only have one part, a tiny part - the size of a grain of sand, in the entire "scheme of things", allows me to relax; to be at ease. All I have to do is my part. And with Him, that should be easy!!!

Gilr's Night OUT!!

I meant to post yesterday to let everyone know how I was handling Cody's birthday, but every time I got the urge to sit down and write there was someone else around. Now I know why. It wasn't meant for me to post until this morning. So I could tell you about my NIGHT!

A few of my friends and I decided to treat ourselves to a girl's night out. No husbands. No kids. No worries. We did this to honor a couple who had taught our kids this past year. To celebrate one friend's upcoming birthday. And me, I did this to celebrate my son. To celebrate the fact that I have now been a mother for 23 years. And a couple of my friends came along for "moral support".

We started the evening at my house and then drove to a fancy restaurant we never go to. Okay, a couple of them had been there maybe once or twice, but this is a place that we don't even go on a date night with our husband's! (although I am thinking my husband would love it!) There were six of us and it was just a care-free night. I don't know about the other girls, but I just wanted to get out and be silly and have fun without worrying about anything....and we did just that. We ordered a four course dinner.....first was the cheese fondue..excellent. Then, we had a salad that was to die for. After that was the main course of about seven kinds of meats and veggies. YUMMY! But then, the grand finale....was not one, but TWO big ole containers of chocolate dipping chocolate......with strawberries, bananas, rice krispie treats, cheese cake, marshmallows...well you get the picture. It was SOOOO good. We ate and we laughed, and we laughed and we ate. Then, we just kept laughing and telling stories and decided we weren't quite ready to let the night end. This four course dinner had lasted for well over two hours, but we didn't want to just let go of the having fun part yet. Sooooo......we decided to go dancing.

Side note here. For those of you that don't know me well, I grew up a dancer. Started when I was three..started teaching when I was in fifth grade, and by the time I was in junior high...I spent a minimum of 24 hours a week at the dance studio! To say it was my first love is fairly accurate... I still love it. Just never get to do it any more. I loved the performing. I danced for numerous Miss Americas when they would come to town for the local pageants...I danced and competed and just basically knew that is what I would do with the rest of my life...you know, go to New York and be a dancer. Well, I know now that the Lord had another path for my life to take. But I still like to wander back down the dance path every once in a while...

So, back to the girls. We went dancing. Now, dancing today is just different than back then.. Man, I am making myself sound old! But it is different. And.....only 3 of us would actually get up and dance. But I wasn't just going to sit there and let the good music go by without getting up there and "bustin some moves"!! It was hilarious. But allow me to say this. For me, it was all about me. While I was up there, it wasn't a performance for any one else this time. It was for me. I wasn't trying to impress anyone. I wasn't performing the steps that had been long rehearsed. I wasn't even caring that there was anyone else around. It was, for me, about letting go and remembering. Remembering the care free times that I used to just dance to the music and allow my body to tell a story. About remembering the time when Cody was in sixth grade and picking him up at his first boy-girl dance and walking into a host of them and slow music playing and dancing with one of his friends...then another...then another. Remembering apologizing to him in the car if I had embarrassed him and him telling me that he thought it was great we could be there together like that. And then wondering if he would have wanted to dance with his "old mom" last night. If he would still be proud to be with me out there and want to hang out and have our talks. It was about being out there on that dance floor and not having to tell anyone else there that I was a mom of 5 kids and that 3 of them haven't been on this earth for 11 years and that I would be going home to a wonderful husband and two great kids....but
just dance. that's all. just dance. Kind of like the old days. Just let myself get lost in the music.

And one of the greatest things about last night...was my friends. They knew me.....all of me. They knew my past, my hurts, my thoughts......and just knew I needed to get out and be silly. Try to forget without forgetting. Try to remember without remembering. Just get away.

By the time I got home it was late....or should I say early. It was after 1 am. It was no longer Cody's birthday. I felt like I had made it. I had passed another milestone. And as I layed my head down to go to sleep, I said a prayer of thanks. Thank you, Lord, for letting me be me. Thank you for loving me through all my moods, all my emotions, all my ups, downs and in betweens. And right now, Lord, I have to thank you for putting friends in my path that do the same. Because having someone there with me last night, to laugh with me, cry with me, dance with me and just be with me....is what gets me through these times. Each of them is a gift. A gift that allows me to continue to be in this world and still love you and learn to love myself. Each of them has a different insight into my life that they share with me that allows me to grow and see myself through Your eyes. Thank you, Lord. And thank you, Lord, for the husband that allows me what I need. A husband who loves me enough to know when it is the girls that need to comfort me, distract me and be with me sometimes. A husband who knows that I love him and he doesn't have to try to control me in order to make me love him any more than I already do. A husband who knows I will never be normal and that I am as imperfect as they come.

But mostly, Lord, thank you for allowing me to be a mom for twenty three years. Thank you for allowing my the blessing of five little lives to touch, to mold and to love for as long as you have ordained on this earth. Thank you for allowing each of those five to touch my heart, to break it, and to hold it, forever in their hands. I am not worthy for all You have done, and continue to do for me..... but You love me any way. Even though I am not perfect, not "just so", not even close, You love me. You see my potential..and you keep pushing me farther than the limits I have set for myself. I just wanted to be a dancer, not a mom. Not as much responsibility....not as much of myself that I'd have to give, over and over again. But You saw that possibility in me and I am thankful you did. For you see, Lord, I always wanted to be a mommy....I just didn't know it....

"11. You have made known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand." Psalm 16:11

Thank you for setting me on Your path. Thank you for loving me enough to give me life....five of them.

WHY??????

The other night I felt like God told me specifically to change my thoughts about this blog and use it to share more of myself, my story and basically start over. I will do that....but right now, I just have to be transparent.

Right now I just feel like crying out to God and saying, "Enough already! I don't get WHY you bless us with such a beautiful gift as our children and then allow them to be taken away!" I have been there. I know I am not the first and unfortunately won't be the last....BUT ENOUGH! Babies being born with something wrong. Mommies and Daddies learning that while their beautiful child is still being formed in the womb that something is gravely wrong and that baby will never grow into the child they had dreamed about! Beautiful children being born completely healthy and then struck with a terrible disease that ravages their body and then takes them from their family. And children having completely wonderfully lives and then tragically being taken from our world!

I know, I know....the Lord giveth and He taketh away. I know death is a part of life...and I will praise Him daily for all of it....but right now my frustration cries out to HIM "WHY??" As tears roll down my face with pain for the families I know right now who are dealing with this and the families I don't even know who are dealing with this.....I know all I can do is pray. Pray for peace in the midst of the darkness. Pray for the moments of calm and rays of sunshine to shine through the clouds. And in time, for the moments of memories to bring happy tears to their eyes for the time they were blessed with their children instead of thoughts of anger and pain for their loss! As I ramble and hurt.....I guess I just wish there was something I could do to make it all go away. I wish their was something I could do to take away their pain. I wish for some kind of something...anything..that would allow our world to never have to suffer the pain of the loss of a child...in any matter...at any age. But it is when I am here, questioning and hurting, that my Father gently holds me and reminds me that He understands. He too, lost a child. He too, buried His son. He too, went through the darkness...and wept. But it is because of His loss, His pain and suffering that we can REJOICE! Rejoice in the knowledge that one day soon, we will be with our children again! We will run to them and be able to hold them as we long to today and be with them for eternity! We can rejoice in the knowledge of Him holding them and taking care of them until we can be together again! Thank you Lord, for giving Your Son, for you sacrifice. Accept me as I hurt, cry, scream, question, and rejoice all in the same breath. I ache for my children....I ache for others who have lost their children.....I ache for the time we will all be together again.

Thank you for the blessings of them. Thank you for the blessings of my friends and family now. Thank you for giving me your word to know that all of this is temporary. That the separation from my children will only last a moment...and we will all be together forever! I praise you for that!

"10. And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm an steadfast. 11. To him be the power for ever and ever. Amen."
I Peter 5:10-11

Family

Tomorrow is Bryce's last day of second grade! I am thrilled at his accomplishments! 119.9 AR (reading) points! He truly amazes me. I enjoy him and his bright, bubbly personality so much. I watch him and his friends....I see so much of his brothers in his personality. Knowing that he has already surpassed a milestone that Caleb never did is very difficult and very uplifting at the same time. Difficult, because I wonder what might have been...Uplifting, because it is like he truly is my rainbow from God. Showing me that life goes on.....that history doesn't always repeat itself....and that there truly is life after death.

Being 11 years down the road from the death of the boys is scary. So many milestones always clutter my calendar of emotions. Friday would be Cody's 23rd birthday and I find myself daydreaming about what kind of life he would have had. What kind of relationship we would have had. The end of the school year has always been difficult. This year I have been so focused on Bryce and Breanna that is really hasn't affected me the way it usually does. Is this God's way of showing me that with time, some parts of the pain can fade? Or is it that since they would have been out of school by now, it isn't really a thought? Or could it just simply be that I am finding so much joy in being a mom to my two little ones, that I have somehow forgotten the sting that this time of year brings? I can't answer that...... I think it is a combination of it all.

Being a mom to Bryce and Breanna is becoming more joyful by the day. I don't know what it is, but the ever present thought of just what a precious gift their little lives are has been amplified to me in my thoughts and quiet times so much lately, that I am just in awe. In awe that God allowed me the chance to do this "mom thing" one more time. In awe that He gave me such wonderful kiddos....again. In awe that I am so in love with my family that I am consumed with them in a way I remember being with the boys, and yet, seem to be so much more in tune with my feelings. Maybe it is me being older. I don't feel like I live for the moment so much as I did before. I do, but I seem to be more aware. Maybe it is age....maybe it is the circumstances I have encountered along the way. Whatever it is.....I like it.

I like the way I want to know what God is thinking. I like the way I want Him to be a part of EVERYTHING I do. I like that He is there, in my joy, my sorrows, my pain and my mistakes. My mother used to tell me that old saying, "God isn't finished with me yet". I believe it. I still feel like such a lump of clay. But then, as I watch other situations....or pray...I feel like I am a lump of clay that has begun to take shape. I am a lump of clay that has started the molding process and firing process and is beginning to look like something to HIM. I like that feeling. It isn't me...it is Him. He is the one shaping me, holding me and forming me. Thank you for hanging with me through the ugly times. Thank you for being with me during the difficult times. Thank you for being there for the good times. I am really feeling like I am never, have never been, nor ever will be alone. He is walking beside me the whole way. AND, he puts wonderful people in my path to walk beside me and lift me up, help carry my load and for me to do the same. Sometimes, carrying someone else's load, instead of your own can help you totally appreciate what you have. It can show us the strength we have to give and to use for our own lives. Way too cool the way he works!

Letting myself remember

Today was a busy day. Cleaning, playing...the normal Saturday family stuff to do. Then, my dear friend came over to visit. We started talking about different things and I mentioned that one of Caleb's friends was now 18 and was graduating from high school. She just smiled and asked me if I ever thought about that kind of thing and let myself "go there". It was a normal question for our friendship. We have no boundaries or walls with each other and are very real with one another.

Tears came to my eyes as I let myself remember. I rarely "go there" with anyone other than Bryan and just a few others. It is something I just have a hard time doing. I can talk about the boys, even tell stories and go on for a long time....but seldom do I REALLY let myself remember the feelings. The difficulty in knowing that all of the boys friends lives have gone on and I will never get to experience that for myself. Just the knowledge that the grief never goes away. I will always have to guess at where they would be... The pain of loss triggers so many things. I ache to know if I would have a grandchild soon, now....ever. Wondering if they would live close....be involved with their brother and sister now....everything!!! Not only does my heart ache for them, but my arms ache to hold them. To look into their eyes and tell them I love them. To listen to their voices. To see their smiles..... Sometimes when I let myself feel all of it, it seems like too much. Like I can't breathe. If I do, the pain will be too much to bear. If Bryan is around, I will curl up and let myself completely go. Or, I imagine crawling into the lap of God and feeling His arms around me and just allow the hurt to be there for a while. One thing I have learned is it is okay to "go there".....even healthy. But, it is not okay to stay there. There is always something that will pop into my mind to remind me of the joys. The joys of having the boys....the joys of having my children now. The joys of life are so numerous. Allowing the sun to come in and be seen, ever so slightly through the dark clouds. I think that is His way of reminding us, "Hey, I am still here. If you focus on Me, I will make these clouds go away. They may return....in a memory, a song or a difficult time. But I am always on the other side of the clouds." So I try to focus on the joy, the Son, not the clouds...

Tears of loss. Tears of knowing that my kids will have to explain the pictures of their brothers in our house. "Yes, those are my brothers....No, they died before I was born....They live in heaven with Jesus.....their daddy shot them." How do I prepare them for that? I know.. I don't. He does.

Tears of joy. Tears of Bryce ending his second grade year with enthusiasm for school and looking forward to third grade. Tears of joy anticipating him playing football in the fall....something his brother never got to do. Tears of watching my baby girl walk the stage in her cap and gown and knowing that I will look forward to watching her and Bryce walk the stage at their high school graduation.

Tonight I thought about death. Not just the boy's death. Not just mom's. But mine. Not so much about the actual act of dieing, but of my purpose on this earth. The part I am here to play. To prepare my children. To make a difference to someone. To share Christ. His hope, His grace, His love. It becomes more apparent to me that this is more important than I have ever realized. I can't coast through this life. It is all I am given. I need to grab it and live it. I need to remember. I need to feel. I need to share.

More chapters...

Well, it seems as if an eternity has passed since I last posted and here I am...still searching. It seems as if I have a few more answers as to what I am doing. It is the "Where? How? and When?" that is looming now. All of it seems so small compared to what my friends are going through. I watch them go through difficult times. Some, I can see such faith and perseverance and I know they can see God's hand in the situation. Somehow that is so comforting, to see His face, his hand in the most difficult times of our lives. To know that on the other side of the darkest of clouds He waits for us. In others, they struggle without realizing He is refining them for His purpose. Without being able to see Him, they feel tired and weary. I can see it in them and can sense that they are giving up. It is amazing to watch this in people. It makes me very aware of how I react to things. It makes me try to find God in everything......I heard someone say just today that they praise God every time they have a delay in their life. Something like a flat tire, to them, is something to praise Him for. They feel like they have been saved from something possible awful....that they may never even know what it could have been. And that is okay with them. Instead of feeling angry or bitter, they feel thanksgiving in their heart. They feel as if God has diverted their path, for the betterment of their life! Oh! That I may find that kind of joy in everyday encounters...

Breanna graduates from preschool tonight. A joy, yes, but also a bit sorrowful. She is definitely growing up. She is my only girl and my baby on top of that. She is so animated and so full of life. I can't help but wonder what her biggest brothers would think of her. Would they think she was a pest and a prissy little baby? Or, would they revel in having a little sister and protect her and love on her and just be so overjoyed in her? It is something I can only imagine....and I do that quite often. I can picture being a flower girl at one of their weddings and wanting to dance at the reception in her beautiful dress with her big brother, all dressed up. They all have such beautiful cheerful smiles...I am sure the camera would have just eaten them all up..

And Bryce, just finishing 2nd grade. So grown up he is.. sometimes I have to remind myself he is only eight. He comforts me and seems to be such an old soul. He is such a cross between his brothers and yet, at the same time, so different from them all. He loves reading and math, and just blows me away with his intelligence. He loves sports. I can't believe that I find myself actually looking forward to this fall and watching him play football. God must've done some work and softened me in that area. I NEVER thought that would happen to me. He is just such a natural that I just feel comfortable letting him play. He is softening too. He is so serious sometimes, but I can tell he is going through some changes. I can see the Master sharpening and yet softening him at the same time. It is a privelige to watch. This year has been tough. I try not to make comparisons, but he is almost finished with second grade. That is an accomplishment that one of his brother's never got to do. It is extra emotional for me. I try not to let it show or interfere with how I am with him. I just pray for wisdom to know how to handle my emotions and to continue to learn as I go the best way to me a mom....again.