Gilr's Night OUT!!

I meant to post yesterday to let everyone know how I was handling Cody's birthday, but every time I got the urge to sit down and write there was someone else around. Now I know why. It wasn't meant for me to post until this morning. So I could tell you about my NIGHT!

A few of my friends and I decided to treat ourselves to a girl's night out. No husbands. No kids. No worries. We did this to honor a couple who had taught our kids this past year. To celebrate one friend's upcoming birthday. And me, I did this to celebrate my son. To celebrate the fact that I have now been a mother for 23 years. And a couple of my friends came along for "moral support".

We started the evening at my house and then drove to a fancy restaurant we never go to. Okay, a couple of them had been there maybe once or twice, but this is a place that we don't even go on a date night with our husband's! (although I am thinking my husband would love it!) There were six of us and it was just a care-free night. I don't know about the other girls, but I just wanted to get out and be silly and have fun without worrying about anything....and we did just that. We ordered a four course dinner.....first was the cheese fondue..excellent. Then, we had a salad that was to die for. After that was the main course of about seven kinds of meats and veggies. YUMMY! But then, the grand finale....was not one, but TWO big ole containers of chocolate dipping chocolate......with strawberries, bananas, rice krispie treats, cheese cake, marshmallows...well you get the picture. It was SOOOO good. We ate and we laughed, and we laughed and we ate. Then, we just kept laughing and telling stories and decided we weren't quite ready to let the night end. This four course dinner had lasted for well over two hours, but we didn't want to just let go of the having fun part yet. Sooooo......we decided to go dancing.

Side note here. For those of you that don't know me well, I grew up a dancer. Started when I was three..started teaching when I was in fifth grade, and by the time I was in junior high...I spent a minimum of 24 hours a week at the dance studio! To say it was my first love is fairly accurate... I still love it. Just never get to do it any more. I loved the performing. I danced for numerous Miss Americas when they would come to town for the local pageants...I danced and competed and just basically knew that is what I would do with the rest of my life...you know, go to New York and be a dancer. Well, I know now that the Lord had another path for my life to take. But I still like to wander back down the dance path every once in a while...

So, back to the girls. We went dancing. Now, dancing today is just different than back then.. Man, I am making myself sound old! But it is different. And.....only 3 of us would actually get up and dance. But I wasn't just going to sit there and let the good music go by without getting up there and "bustin some moves"!! It was hilarious. But allow me to say this. For me, it was all about me. While I was up there, it wasn't a performance for any one else this time. It was for me. I wasn't trying to impress anyone. I wasn't performing the steps that had been long rehearsed. I wasn't even caring that there was anyone else around. It was, for me, about letting go and remembering. Remembering the care free times that I used to just dance to the music and allow my body to tell a story. About remembering the time when Cody was in sixth grade and picking him up at his first boy-girl dance and walking into a host of them and slow music playing and dancing with one of his friends...then another...then another. Remembering apologizing to him in the car if I had embarrassed him and him telling me that he thought it was great we could be there together like that. And then wondering if he would have wanted to dance with his "old mom" last night. If he would still be proud to be with me out there and want to hang out and have our talks. It was about being out there on that dance floor and not having to tell anyone else there that I was a mom of 5 kids and that 3 of them haven't been on this earth for 11 years and that I would be going home to a wonderful husband and two great kids....but
just dance. that's all. just dance. Kind of like the old days. Just let myself get lost in the music.

And one of the greatest things about last night...was my friends. They knew me.....all of me. They knew my past, my hurts, my thoughts......and just knew I needed to get out and be silly. Try to forget without forgetting. Try to remember without remembering. Just get away.

By the time I got home it was late....or should I say early. It was after 1 am. It was no longer Cody's birthday. I felt like I had made it. I had passed another milestone. And as I layed my head down to go to sleep, I said a prayer of thanks. Thank you, Lord, for letting me be me. Thank you for loving me through all my moods, all my emotions, all my ups, downs and in betweens. And right now, Lord, I have to thank you for putting friends in my path that do the same. Because having someone there with me last night, to laugh with me, cry with me, dance with me and just be with me....is what gets me through these times. Each of them is a gift. A gift that allows me to continue to be in this world and still love you and learn to love myself. Each of them has a different insight into my life that they share with me that allows me to grow and see myself through Your eyes. Thank you, Lord. And thank you, Lord, for the husband that allows me what I need. A husband who loves me enough to know when it is the girls that need to comfort me, distract me and be with me sometimes. A husband who knows that I love him and he doesn't have to try to control me in order to make me love him any more than I already do. A husband who knows I will never be normal and that I am as imperfect as they come.

But mostly, Lord, thank you for allowing me to be a mom for twenty three years. Thank you for allowing my the blessing of five little lives to touch, to mold and to love for as long as you have ordained on this earth. Thank you for allowing each of those five to touch my heart, to break it, and to hold it, forever in their hands. I am not worthy for all You have done, and continue to do for me..... but You love me any way. Even though I am not perfect, not "just so", not even close, You love me. You see my potential..and you keep pushing me farther than the limits I have set for myself. I just wanted to be a dancer, not a mom. Not as much responsibility....not as much of myself that I'd have to give, over and over again. But You saw that possibility in me and I am thankful you did. For you see, Lord, I always wanted to be a mommy....I just didn't know it....

"11. You have made known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand." Psalm 16:11

Thank you for setting me on Your path. Thank you for loving me enough to give me life....five of them.