Family

Tomorrow is Bryce's last day of second grade! I am thrilled at his accomplishments! 119.9 AR (reading) points! He truly amazes me. I enjoy him and his bright, bubbly personality so much. I watch him and his friends....I see so much of his brothers in his personality. Knowing that he has already surpassed a milestone that Caleb never did is very difficult and very uplifting at the same time. Difficult, because I wonder what might have been...Uplifting, because it is like he truly is my rainbow from God. Showing me that life goes on.....that history doesn't always repeat itself....and that there truly is life after death.

Being 11 years down the road from the death of the boys is scary. So many milestones always clutter my calendar of emotions. Friday would be Cody's 23rd birthday and I find myself daydreaming about what kind of life he would have had. What kind of relationship we would have had. The end of the school year has always been difficult. This year I have been so focused on Bryce and Breanna that is really hasn't affected me the way it usually does. Is this God's way of showing me that with time, some parts of the pain can fade? Or is it that since they would have been out of school by now, it isn't really a thought? Or could it just simply be that I am finding so much joy in being a mom to my two little ones, that I have somehow forgotten the sting that this time of year brings? I can't answer that...... I think it is a combination of it all.

Being a mom to Bryce and Breanna is becoming more joyful by the day. I don't know what it is, but the ever present thought of just what a precious gift their little lives are has been amplified to me in my thoughts and quiet times so much lately, that I am just in awe. In awe that God allowed me the chance to do this "mom thing" one more time. In awe that He gave me such wonderful kiddos....again. In awe that I am so in love with my family that I am consumed with them in a way I remember being with the boys, and yet, seem to be so much more in tune with my feelings. Maybe it is me being older. I don't feel like I live for the moment so much as I did before. I do, but I seem to be more aware. Maybe it is age....maybe it is the circumstances I have encountered along the way. Whatever it is.....I like it.

I like the way I want to know what God is thinking. I like the way I want Him to be a part of EVERYTHING I do. I like that He is there, in my joy, my sorrows, my pain and my mistakes. My mother used to tell me that old saying, "God isn't finished with me yet". I believe it. I still feel like such a lump of clay. But then, as I watch other situations....or pray...I feel like I am a lump of clay that has begun to take shape. I am a lump of clay that has started the molding process and firing process and is beginning to look like something to HIM. I like that feeling. It isn't me...it is Him. He is the one shaping me, holding me and forming me. Thank you for hanging with me through the ugly times. Thank you for being with me during the difficult times. Thank you for being there for the good times. I am really feeling like I am never, have never been, nor ever will be alone. He is walking beside me the whole way. AND, he puts wonderful people in my path to walk beside me and lift me up, help carry my load and for me to do the same. Sometimes, carrying someone else's load, instead of your own can help you totally appreciate what you have. It can show us the strength we have to give and to use for our own lives. Way too cool the way he works!